He wants to be mad at her, maybe that's the problem. He wants to blame her. He wants to ask her to send him back. But for the same reasons that he took her to the front and followed her across no man's land and hijacked that plane full of poison-- he can't do any of that. He can't be mad at her for being who she is. He can't be mad at the proof that she's as affected by him as he is by her.
Steve channels that anger into other channels. Throws himself into their work. Snaps at Charlie when he's being obnoxious. Becomes just a little bit more reckless. Doesn't say please when he asks Etta to do something anymore.
And then today was horrible. It was a painful reminder of Veld, the heat of a bomb against his skin, and the most terrible parts of men all at once. It's a sharp, powerful contrast from the peace he found in the afterlife or heaven or whatever the fuck you want to call it. The fight was over there. He could take a deep breath and let it out easily. Now he's here. Now he's back, fighting the same fight he's been fighting for years and he's just goddamn tired.
He turns at her touch, which has the side effect of knocking her hand away and after a moment (probably a moment too long, because she'll notice, she sees everything) he forces a smile. He slips on a mask because he's a spy and a soldier and he has a job to do and he's not going to break. Ever.]
Everything's fine. I was just thinking we should start on the paperwork tonight.
no subject
He wants to be mad at her, maybe that's the problem. He wants to blame her. He wants to ask her to send him back. But for the same reasons that he took her to the front and followed her across no man's land and hijacked that plane full of poison-- he can't do any of that. He can't be mad at her for being who she is. He can't be mad at the proof that she's as affected by him as he is by her.
Steve channels that anger into other channels. Throws himself into their work. Snaps at Charlie when he's being obnoxious. Becomes just a little bit more reckless. Doesn't say please when he asks Etta to do something anymore.
And then today was horrible. It was a painful reminder of Veld, the heat of a bomb against his skin, and the most terrible parts of men all at once. It's a sharp, powerful contrast from the peace he found in the afterlife or heaven or whatever the fuck you want to call it. The fight was over there. He could take a deep breath and let it out easily. Now he's here. Now he's back, fighting the same fight he's been fighting for years and he's just goddamn tired.
He turns at her touch, which has the side effect of knocking her hand away and after a moment (probably a moment too long, because she'll notice, she sees everything) he forces a smile. He slips on a mask because he's a spy and a soldier and he has a job to do and he's not going to break. Ever.]
Everything's fine. I was just thinking we should start on the paperwork tonight.